I had a blog entry written days ago with the intention of posting it today, but as I’m finally dragging myself to the computer, that one just doesn’t feel right for this moment. Perhaps I’ll put it up next week. Today I just feel inclined to write from the part of my heart that just wants to curl up in bed and cry like a small, emotionally disturbed child. If this blogging journey I’ve embarked upon—and committed to—is about being honest with myself while being honest with my readers, then I simply have to admit that I’m not in the mood to proofread the analytical and hopefully uplifting entry I wrote days ago. Today I just feel sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, maybe even angry. But I also have to admit that I’ve been contemplating the question: How do I write openly about depression and life’s difficulties without making what I write so depressing that no one will want to read it? How do I achieve the balance of being able to see the silver linings in these struggles and still be completely honest about having days that are so difficult that seeing silver linings feels utterly impossible?
Okay, I’ll get to the point of my griping and get it over with as briefly as possible. Over the course of years I have tried very hard to come to terms with the limitations and unpredictability of my health. I strive each day to consider all I have to be grateful for, and to offer my gratitude to God for those blessings. I strive to be kind to my family members and anyone else I encounter, knowing that no amount of my own misery gives me the right to pass it on to others. But I have days—sometimes that stretch into many weeks—where there is no glimmer of light in spite of all my efforts to manage the difficulties appropriately. And I just have to accept that I am subject to the will of my physical body, over which I have no control. I have run the medical gamut, and I know more than the average fifty people about how you need to think positive in order to feel better, etc. etc. I could go on and on. The reality is that there are just times when pain dominates me and I have no choice but to submit.
Today was the third time in a week I had to cancel something due to “not feeling up to it.” A friend was going to come visit last week on her day off. I was feeling so awful I had to cancel because I couldn’t even sit on my own couch for a visit and manage to be tolerable company. I didn’t go to my granddaughter’s birthday dinner at my son’s home. I knew that if I went I would just end up hiding in one of the bedrooms with the door closed, and I’d miss everything anyway, so what would be the point? And today a friend who shares my disease and diet issues was going to pick me up and take me to get a simple lunch out. But no! I woke up at 1:45 with a migraine. Took meds, managed to go back to sleep for a while eventually, woke up at 4:00 with a super migraine which required a double dose of meds and a different med added. Eventually went back to sleep for a little while until my daughter and husband were off to school and work and I said my good-byes. Dozed off for a while longer and woke up feeling an all-too-familiar sense of barely being able to move from the flu-like ache of my body, and the extreme fatigue. Ironically, the symptoms of my extremely low cortisol levels, and my post-migraine symptoms are much the same, so it’s just adding on more of the same. Basically, I feel like I have the flu but without a fever. And it’s a feeling that comes and goes in varying degrees, with ridiculous unpredictability, and it’s been happening for years. I just can’t seem to get past it, no matter how hard I try and what direction I take. (I must note here that I would love to get comments, but I ask you not to send advice. I promise that I’ve tried whatever you might think I haven’t tried. Sometimes we just need to speak and be heard, and that’s all.)
So, here I sit while I could be doing something wildly exotic like eating French fries with a friend at In-n-Out Burger. How extravagant of me! I could be writing a novel, but my brain is foggy and tired. I could be balancing my checkbook, but . . . my brain is foggy and tired. Therefore, hence, I am once again just sitting around doing nothing, but too restless to actually rest, which is also a symptom of my cortisol issues.
Okay, whining and griping complete. I absolutely believe that we should always counter a negative with a positive, so . . . now that I’ve shared the “how I really feel” with all of you in cyberspace, I am stating for the record that I absolutely believe that counting blessings truly is a grand remedy. And I have too many to count. I absolutely believe that giving myself credit for what I DO instead of looking at what I DIDN’T DO is important. So . . . world . . . I brushed my teeth and ordered some gluten-free baked goods online. Oh, and, I just wrote a blog entry. That’ll have to do for today. I also believe in the power of hope, so even against the odds, I’m going to hope for better sleep tonight, and less pain tomorrow. God bless us, every one!