When Amanda gave me the pep talk recently about blogging more regularly, she told me that many things I’ve written to her in emails could make a blog entry. Way back when our friendship was first blossoming, we wrote many emails back and forth, because our schedules were too conflicting to talk on the phone, and we live just far enough away from each other to see each other very often. These emails helped forge our friendship and gave us great insights into each other’s real life and struggles. And then we both just got out of the habit, or perhaps we moved out of that season of our relationship. Now, when one or the other of us gets the urge to write a lengthy letter and send it electronically, it feels like a soothing balm. It feels good to be able to write openly and without fear of judgment, and it feels good to be heard and validated. And it feels good to just hear from a friend. So, with Amanda’s permission, I will occasionally be posting edited pieces from past letters I sent to her. I wrote this one not many weeks ago, with the subject heading SNOW . . .
I would like to be sleeping but all the caffeine I took to calm down my headache has made me wide awake. So I'm thinking about you and hoping you're okay. I'm also thinking about my own pathetic-ness and what to do about it.
I've had yet another week that feels mostly wasted. Beyond attending to my personal hygiene, doing a very little bit of cooking, and being there for my kids, I have done practically nothing, when I was determined to be writing and productive. I'm amazed and alarmed at how the depression controls me. The thing is that it's this chronic fatigue and pain at the root of it. I've literally spent years trying to solve the problems through combining emotional, physical, and spiritual healing methods. And I feel the same if not worse. No matter how motivated I might feel, my body quickly reminds me I can do very little. And my history of many years has contradicted all of my efforts and convictions about working hard to solve problems while striving to heal emotions and follow the guidance of God in my life. On one hand I feel very blessed. I can see the Lord's hand in my life. On the other hand I feel stuck and stagnant and baffled. The point I'm getting to is that I know I need to discipline myself to accomplish some things while at the same time recognizing my limitations. I'm hoping and praying for creative inspiration and motivation that will help me get lost in historical fiction where I can be productive and not think about the things that depress me.
I am finding that the older I get the more I love snow. I love its beauty, and the way it kind of muffles noise and the way it covers up the ugliness of my yard that seems to represent the state of my life and my inability to do anything about it. I dread spring. The last few springs have really depressed me with the sense that life is starting over....again....but my life is still stuck. Last year I tried really hard to let go of that and be positive. But it was still a rough spring, summer, fall, and now winter again. And life goes forward with pain and illness and depression. I'm praying to feel some positive change inside of me with the coming of spring that can help me feel hope and joy. And I'm going to enjoy the beauty of winter while it lasts. I love it when the huge pine trees I can see from my bed are covered with snow, or when I can see snow falling.
So, those are my thoughts for now. I'm hoping for a pleasant and restful day, and a better week ahead.
Post Script: Back to the current blog entry . . . This was written prior to what I’ve written about in my last two blog entries. Since then I’ve been able to write a significant number of words in my current novel, and I’ve found that my blog posts and the feedback from those of you reading has already helped me feel some degree of emotional improvement, for which I am very grateful. I’ve also found that since I started using instagram (find me there under horstbergwriter) I’ve really enjoyed the social interaction there. So, I’m pressing forward, and I already have more blog posts in the making that will be showing up here soon. Feels good to be writing. Loves and God bless!
Anita Stansfield aka Elizabeth D. Michaels (All of Anita Stansfield's books, and The Horstberg Saga by Elizabeth D. Michaels, are available at amazon.com)